UP JE T'AIME
(Alan Simpson / Ray Galton / Serge Gainsbourg ......
Parody of Serge Gainsbourg's 1969 "Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus")
Frankie Howard (as Frank) & June Whitfield (as Mavis)
with Alan Simpson (as Arthur) - 1971
MAVIS: je t'aime, je t'aime
FRANK: Uh, what?
MAVIS: Oh, oui, je t'aime
FRANK: Oh, give over, not again.
D'you know what time it is? It's half-past-three.
MAVIS: Oh, mon amour
FRANK, Oh, get off! Now, look, stop that.
What on earth's got into you. It's not Friday, is it?
FRANK: Oh, look, cut that out. Pull yourself together, woman.
Control yourself, and get back on your own side.
I've got to be on the first tee at half-past six.
MAVIS: Oh, je t'aime, je t'aime
FRANK: Speak English, woman. Whatever's the matter with you.
MAVIS: Ooh! Aah!
FRANK: Ooh-er, ere, leave my scarf alone. Get your hands off
Look, if I go down and make you a cup of cocoa, will you go back to sleep?
MAVIS: Ooh, je t'aime, mon amour
FRANK: Oh dear. All right, all right, but look, don't go mad.
'Cause I'm getting on a bit now, you know. Hang on, wait a minute.
I'll just put me glasses on. I say, where d'you get those.
Here, put that light out. What are you thinking of?
MAVIS: I want to look at you
FRANK: Don't be disgusting!
I knew I shouldn't have taken you to see "Oh! Calcutta!"
MAVIS: Ooh! Ooh!
FRANK: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait for me.
MAVIS: Ooh! Ooh!
FRANK: 'Ere, be careful, mind me cartilage.
MAVIS: Ooh! Ooh! (Ripping sound)
FRANK: Oh, now look what you've made me do.
My foot's gone right through the sheet. That's your fault.
Why don't you cut your toenails. Oooh! Look at the size of that hole.
You'll have to stitch that up in the morning.
MAVIS: Ooh! Aah!
FRANK: I suppose you could send them back, they're still under guarantee.
MAVIS: Ooh, mon amour
FRANK: It's no good, you're wasting your time. You'll have to start again.
MAVIS: Je t'aime, je t'aime.
FRANK: Ooh, dear (Yawning sounds)
MAVIS: Oh, mon amour, mon amour
FRANK: Did you set that alarm?
MAVIS, Oh yes, yes
FRANK: Because if you didn't and I'm late, I'll never get a game.
They start queueing up before dawn
MAVIS: Ooh, maintenant, viens!
FRANK: D'you know, Arthur went round in eighty-nine last week.
That's not bad for a bloke with one arm. Ooh, yes, he's playing very well,
he is. Mind you, i must say, it was neck and neck up to the seventeenth.
Then I took a seven iron, got underneath it, 'ere, what are you doin'? Oh,
all right then. So, I gave it plenty of top spin, it hit the back of the green,
dug in and it came back, you see, and...... you're not listening, are you.
You wait till you want to tell me something. Now you wait.
MAVIS: Oh, go to sleep.
FRANK: Yes, pardon?
MAVIS: I said go to sleep.
FRANK: But I'm all wide awake now. I thought you wanted to...
MAVIS: Well I don't now. Goodnight!
FRANK: Well, that's nice, isn't it. Oh yes. Getting me all worked up.
MAVIS Worked up, huh! All you've been talking about is golf. Golf, golf, golf!
FRANK: Well, I thought you were interested.
MAVIS: Well, I'm not. You're a bore and I'm fed up with you.
FRANK: Ooohhh, what's happened to all the "je't'aime, j t'aime", that stuff?
MAVIS: I'm sick of the sight of you!
FRANK: Ooh, that's charming, thank you. Now it's coming out, isn't it.
Now, you'll be sorry you said that.
MAVIS: No I won't!
FRANK: Yes you will, mate.
MAVIS: I won't!
FRANK: You will!
ARTHUR: If you two don't keep quiet, I'm gettin' out of this bed and I'm
gonna sleep in the other room.
FRANK: Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur. You see, you've woken Arthur up now.
MAVIS: Oh, je t'aime, je t'aime.
FRANK: Leave him alone, Mavis.
Mavis, we're off the tee at half-past-six. Mavis!
MAVIS: Ooh, je t'aime.
FRANK: That wasn't me. That was Arthur. Ohh, I think I'm going to beat
him tomorrow. Well, goodnight Arthur, goodnight Mavis.
MAVIS & ARTHUR: Goodnight Frank.
MAVIS: Je t'aime, oh oui, Je t'aime, tu vas, tu vas et tu viens....
FRANK: Oh dear, I'm not putting up with this. I'm going to the other room.
FRANK: She's such a terrible singer.
MAVIS: Tu vas et tu viens...
(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - March 2015)