PASSENGERS WILL PLEASE REFRAIN
(Humourous words set to the tune of Dvorak's "Humoresque")


Oscar Brand - 1956


Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is in the station, Darling, I love you

We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station
Moonlight always makes me think of you

If you wish to pass some water
Kindly call the Pullman porter
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule

If the porter isn't near
Try the platform in the rear
The one in front is likely to be full

If the womens' room be taken
Never feel the least forsaken
Never show a sign of sad defeat

Try the men's room 'cross the hall
And if some man has had the call
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat

If these efforts all are vain
Then simply break a window pane
This novel method's used by very few

We go strolling through the park
Goosing statues in the dark
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you?


ALTERNATE VERSES:

I love to go out after dark
And goose the statues in the park
A lovely pastime at the close of day

Unperturbed they stand so still
While whoops, it's me that gets the thrill
It really is a lovely way to play

I've noticed lately
They stand so stately
Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground

I sometimes tease them
And do displease them
If I fail to show up as the sun goes down

The Thinker is the only one
With whom I can have no fun
He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse

Napoleon sits upon his steed
I cannot goose him, no indeed
And so instead I goose his horse

Passengers will please refrain
From using toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, we thank you

Constipation's recommended
While the train is being tended
If the train can't go, then why should you

Gentlemen will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the staion for a while

We encourage contemplation
While the train is in the station
Cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile

As I sit here tearing tissue
Oh, my darling, how I miss you
Everything I do, I do for you

Since I'm going with your daughter
I've had trouble passing water
Sorry that I ever came to town



(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - August 2020)