I AM NOT A CANADIAN

Guy Québecois


(clears throat)

I'm not unemployed or smuggling cigarettes across the border
I don't eat Pepsi and May West for breakfast (*)
I don't watch da hockey game doing it doggie-style
And no, I don't know Claude, Manon, or François in Abitibi-Témiscamingue (*)
But I'm sure they all have nice teeth

I smoke in church
I speak Québecois in joual, not French or English
I pronounce it "tird", not third
And eating French fries with cheese makes sense, mon ostie,
I believe in a distinct society, as long as someone else pays for it
I believe in language-police, not equal rights
And, calisse, I believe that Club Super-Sex is an appropriate place
for my wife and me to celebrate our anniversaire
What the hell, she goes on at ten anyway

In Québec, the Stanley Cup actually comes around more often than
Halley's comet
I can get beer at the dépanneur, not the convenience store
And maybe I can't turn right on a red light
But tabarnak, I can go right through it
Because Québec is the world's largest producer of maple syrup
The home of Céline Dion and Roch Voisine
The land where everybody is shacking up and the legal drinking age is
just a suggestion

Je m'appelle Guy, and I am not Canadian

Mot, t'a dit, tabarnak, ostie.
Merci, salut la vedette


(Transcribed by Monique Adriaansen, Mel Priddle, & Jon R. - February 2004)
(*) (Corrections by Alan Bick - December 14th, 2004)


*****


For you non-Canadians, the above is a parody of a petriotic rant from
a beer commercial, as follows:

(clears throat)

Hey.
I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister,
not a President.
I speak English and French,
NOT American.
and I pronouce it ABOUT,
NOT A BOOT.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!
AND I AM CANADIAN!


(Contributed by Jon R. - February 2004) 


*****


(Extra info provided by Justin (drunkennewfiemidget) - June 2005 :
Rant above done by a radio station in Toronto called Edge 102 (edge.ca)